Domestic violence can happen in any family and in all kinds of homes. In half of the cases of violence between adults, children get hurt too. Even when children do not see the violence happening, they often hear it. In nine out of ten cases, children are in the same or next room when the violence is going on. This can be extremely distressing and disturbing for them.

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Domestic violence - the facts:

• More than half a million incidents (635,000) of domestic violence are reported in England and Wales each year. Most victims are women, but domestic violence can happen to men too.
  
  
• In nine out of ten cases, children are in the same or next room when the violence is going on.
  
  
• In five out of ten cases when there is violence between adults, children get hurt too.
  
  
• One in four women experience domestic violence some time in their lives. Between six per cent and ten per cent of women experience domestic violence in any one year
  
  
• Almost 2,000 children a year contact ChildLine due to domestic violence problems.
  
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Abuse

We tend to think of Domestic Abuse as physical violence or assault on a wife. In reality, however, domestic abuse is the summary of physically, sexually and psychologically abusive behaviours directed by one partner against another, regardless of their marital status or gender. Generally, when one form of abuse exists, it is coupled with other forms as well.

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Physical Abuse

Physical assault is the most obvious form of Domestic Violence and the most visible. Assaults often start small, maybe a small shove during an argument, or forcefully grabbing your wrist, but over time, physical abuse (or battering) usually becomes more severe and more frequent.

Physical abuse is any act of violence on the victim. Basically any behaviour which hurts or physically harms, or is intended to do so. This can include the following:

• kicking, punching, shoving, choking, pulling hair
  
  
• throwing things,
  
  
• use of weapons (gun, knives, or any object)
  
  
• physical restraint - pinning against wall, floor, bed, etc.
  
  
• reckless driving, etc.
  
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Threats

Where threats are made within a violent relationship they can be as damaging as the violence itself. The abuser will often demonstrate his ability to harm her/him by punching walls or furniture, kicking the cat/dog, or using aggressive behaviour. Many threats are not physical but part of the ongoing emotional abuse. The abuser may threaten to 'disappear' with the children, report his partner to Social Services as an unfit mother, harm a significant third party, refuse housekeeping, leave or commit suicide.

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Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse can be defined as any sexual encounter without consent and includes any unwanted touching, forced sexual activity, forcing the victim to perform sexual acts, painful or degrading acts during intercourse, and exploitation through photography or prostitution.

The abuser my use violence to rape his partner or he may use only enough force to control his partner's movements. Coercion or manipulation in the form of threats, emotional or psychological abuse may also be used, leaving the victim to submit to unwanted sexual acts out of fear or guilt.

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Marital Rape

When sexual abuse occurs within marriage, the victim will often feel very confused as to whether or not she has been 'raped'. When no actual physical violence was used many men will deny that rape has actually occurred and treat the abuse as though it was normal and by joint consent. This has the effect of further confusing the victim as to the reality of her experience.

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Emotional/Psychological Abuse

Emotional abuse is more subtle. Quite often such abuse goes unseen, as even the victim does not recognize that she is being abused. Although emotional abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is seriously damaging to your self-esteem.

There are many categories of emotional/psychological abuse. They include a variety of behaviours that will be easily recognisable by those experiencing them, and often remain completely unnoticed by others.

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Isolation

The abuser will control whom the victim sees, where she goes, whom she speaks to and what she does. This can take the form of simply not allowing her to use the phone, have her friends round or visit her family, or ensuring it simply isn't worth it by being in a bad mood.

Many abusers justify their control over their victim by stating that it is proof of their love, or that they worry about their safety when out, etc. In reality however, the abuser needs to isolate his victim to feel secure themselves, they feel as though any relationship, be it family, friend or colleague poses a threat.

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Verbal Abuse

When thinking of Verbal Abuse we tend to envisage the abuser hurling insulting names at the victim, and while this obviously does happen, there are many more forms than name-calling. The abuser may use critical, insulting or humiliating remarks, he may withhold conversation and refuse to discuss issues, or he may keep you up all night insisting on talking when you need sleep.

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Financial Abuse

Financial abuse can take many forms, from denying you all access to funds, to making you solely responsible for all finances while handling money irresponsibly himself. Money becomes a tool by which the abuser can further control the victim, ensuring either her financial dependence on him, or shifting the responsibility of keeping a roof over the family's head onto the victim while simultaneously denying your ability to do so or obstructing you.

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How can I help a friend who is experiencing domestic violence?

There are some basic steps that you can take to assist a friend, family member, colleague,
neighbour or anyone you know who confides in you that they are experiencing domestic
abuse.

• Approach her in an understanding, non-blaming way. Explain to her that she is not alone. Acknowledge that it takes strength to trust someone enough to talk to them about experiencing abuse.
  
  
• Acknowledge that she is in a scary, difficult situation. Tell her that no-one deserves to be threatened or beaten, despite what her abuser has told her. Nothing she can do or say can justify the abuser’s behaviour.
  
  
• Allow her to make her own decisions, even if it means she isn’t ready to leave the relationship. This is her decision.
  
  
• Ask if she has suffered physical harm. Offer to go with her to the hospital if she needs to go. Help her to report the assault to the police if she chooses to do so.
  
  
• Plan safe strategies for leaving an abusive relationship. Let her create the boundaries of what is safe and what is not safe; don’t encourage her to follow any strategies that she is expressing doubt about.
  
  
• Ensure that you do not put yourself into a dangerous situation; for example, do not offer to talk to the abuser about your friend or let yourself be seen by the abuser as a threat to their relationship.

Women’s Aid National Domestic Violence Helpline - 0345 023 468 Nationwide, 10am–5pm Mon–Fri, also weekends. Advice and telephone support provided by highly trained staff and volunteers.

Men's Advice Line and Enquiries - 020 8 644 9914 Information, support and advice to men experiencing domestic violence. Open from 9am to 10pm, Monday and Wednesday (answerphone at other times).

National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0845 702 3468
Refuge’s 24-hour National Crisis Line - 0990 995 443 National crisis line, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year which provides advice and support to those experiencing domestic violence and refers women and children on to the 250 refuges nationwide.

Samaritans - 08457 909090

Shelterline - 0808 800 4444 Emergency access to refuge services.

Womens Refuge - 0800 735 6836

Freecall message home - 0500 700740
This is a confidential, non-traceable service for those who have left home but want to pass on a message to family and friends without communicating directly. Women escaping domestic violence can use this service without having to give details of where they are. This is a free service.

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