The reality of rape
Reactions to rape and sexual abuse
Unhelpful responses
Helpful responses

THE REALITY OF RAPE

Rape and sexual abuse happens far more often than police statistics and newspaper reports indicate. It happens to women and girls of all ages, from all backgrounds and cultures.

Most women and girls who have been or are being sexually abused, know their abuser in some capacity. He could be her father, husband, friend, workmate, neighbour, or other family member.

A woman who has been raped or sexually abused generally needs much support and caring from those close to her. Her trust in others has probably been destroyed.

Be prepared to hear upsetting details. Make it clear you believe what she is telling you. You may often feel of no use to the woman. However the fact that you are listening, believing and trying to understand helps enormously and is vital to the process of her rebuilding her life.

When a woman is raped or sexually abused, she may react in many different ways. Some women scream, some fight back and many are shocked into being very quiet and still - too afraid to cry out or get away. Other women may make the decision not to struggle or cry out in the hope of getting away without any more violence.

The reaction of a woman after being raped or sexually abused can also vary. Every woman has her own way of copying with an experience which will not only have been terrifying and painful, but which is also likely to affect her whole life.

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REACTIONS TO RAPE AND SEXUAL ABUSE

Some reactions to rape and sexual abuse are quite common. Women often feel guilty about what has happened and feel that they could or should have done something to stop it happening. Some women need to talk about the experience in detail, repeatedly, while some women don't wish to talk about any of the details.

Women may spend a lot of time crying - often for months after the experience - this is very understandable. Some women go through periods where they feel very angry at everyone close to them.

Some women may continue with their lives as though the assault did not have any great effect.
A woman may find it difficult if not impossible to maintain or develop sexual relationships. She has already had the traumatic experience of a man sexually abusing her and she may feel that any kind of sexual activity reminds her of it.

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UNHELPFUL RESPONSES

• Advising. Don't advise a woman to "forget it". Don't tell her she shouldn't be crying months after her experience. The effects are very often long lasting.
  
  
• Asking "Why". Don't ask a woman why she didn't fight back, scream to attempt to get away.
  
  
• Becoming the "injured party". Don't become the one who needs the most support. Your anger and sadness are understandable and justified - however they can seem frightening or upsetting to a woman who may feel that she is the cause.
  
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HELPFUL RESPONSES . . .

• Listen to the woman and believe her. Let her know that you are there to listen whenever she needs to talk.
  
  
• Allow her to cry as and when she needs to. It can be very difficult to see someone you care for so upset, and you may be tempted to try to protect her from her feelings.
  
  
• Respect the woman's decision regarding reporting to the police. If she is not sure about this help her to weigh up the pros and cons. Do not pressurise her into reporting. It must always be the woman's decision.
  
  
• Help her deal with the practical consequences. If a woman is injured take her to the nearest casualty department. She may need to go to a Special Clinic to be tested for any sexually transmitted diseases or she may need a pregnancy test.
  
  
• Reassure the woman that what happened was not her fault.

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