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Definition of Self-harm
Why do people deliberately injure themselves?
What self-injurers say SI does for them
Coping with self-harm
How do I know if I'm ready to stop?
Help for families and friends
A simple definition of self-harm is:
Deliberate, immediate physical harm being done to one's own body.
The injury is done to oneself, without the aid of another person,
and the injury is severe enough for tissue damage (such as scarring)
to result. For example, cutting your arm or hitting yourself with
a hammer are clearly self-injurious acts.
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Why
do people deliberately injure themselves?
This may be the aspect of self-harm that is most puzzling to
those who do not do it. Why would anyone choose to inflict
physical damage on him or herself? Because they cannot imagine
themselves doing such a thing under any circumstances, many
people dismiss self-injury as "senseless" or "irrational" behaviour.
And certainly it does seem that way at first glance.
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What
self-injurers say SI does for them
- Escape
from emptiness, depression, and feelings of unreality.
- Providing
relief: when intense feelings build, self-injurers are overwhelmed
and unable to cope. By causing pain,
they reduce the level of emotional and physiological
arousal to
a bearable
one.
- Relieving
anger: many self-injurers have enormous amounts of rage within.
Afraid to express it outwardly,
they injure
themselves as a way of venting these feelings.
- Escaping
numbness: many of those who self-injure say they do it in order
to feel something, to
know that they're
still
alive.
- Expressing
emotional pain they feel they cannot bear or feelings that
they cannot express.
- Punishing
oneself for being "bad".
- Diverting
attention (inner or outer) from issues that are too painful
to examine.
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Coping with Self-harm
If you understand the reasons behind a particular act of self
harm, then you can know the coping skills that are lacking.
When you know the skills that are missing, you can start trying
to introduce them. This means finding a different way of coping
with the things that cause you to self-harm.
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How do I know if I'm ready to stop?
Deciding to stop self-injury is a very personal decision. You
may have to consider it for a long time before you decide that
you're ready to commit to a life without scars and bruises. Don't
be discouraged if you conclude the time isn't right for you to
stop yet; you can still exert more control over your self-injury
by choosing when and how much you harm yourself, by setting limits
for your self-harm, and by taking responsibility for it.
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Help
for families and friends
Perhaps someone you care about has trusted you with information
about their self-injury, or maybe you've inadvertently discovered
it. Regardless of how you found out, you know about it now,
and you can't pretend it away -- you have to respond in some
way.
- Don't
take it personally. Self-injurious behaviour is more about
the person who does it than about the
people around him/her.
- Educate
yourself. Get as much information as you can about self-injury
in general.
- Understand your feelings and Take Care of Yourself. Be honest
with yourself about how this self-injury
makes you feel.
Don't pretend to yourself that it's okay if it's
not. Set limits. Remember that as much as you love
someone, sometimes
you're going
to need to get away from them for a while. Tell
the person that sometimes you need to recharge and
that
it doesn't
affect your
love for him/her. Only break into this personal
time in cases of absolute life-or-death crisis.
- Be
supportive without reinforcing the behaviour. Separate who
they are from what they do, and
that you love them
independently of whether they self-injure.
Some
suggestions:
- Don't
avoid the subject of self-injury. Let it be known that you're
willing to talk, and
then follow
the other
person's lead.
- Be
available. You can't be supportive
of someone
if you can't be reached.
Set reasonable limits. "I will stop loving you
if you cut yourself" isn't
reasonable if your
goal is to keep the
relationship
intact.
- Provide
distractions if necessary. Sometimes
just
being distracted
(taken to a movie,
on a walk, out
for ice cream…)
can work wonders.
(This is NOT the
same as
trying to
get them
out of a
mood or telling them
to just get over
it -- it's an attempt
to break
a negative
cycle
by
injecting something positive).
- Ultimatums
do NOT work. Ever. You cannot force someone to behave as
you'd prefer them to. Punishments and guilt-tripping
just feed the cycle of self-hatred and unpleasantness that
leads to self-harm.
- Acknowledge
the pain of your friend. acknowledge that it's caused by
genuine pain they can find no other
way to handle.
Be hopeful about the possibility of learning other ways
to cope with pain.
- Be patient. Some people need time to decide to trust someone
else, particularly if they've received a lot
of negative feedback
about their SI before.
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For
more information or if you would like to talk to someone
at the Advice Centre, please feel free to phone (01202
262291), email (info@quayadvice.co.uk)
or call in to the Quay Advice Centre
(map)
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